I, Nate Tucker

We’re standing at one of life’s crossroads with two paths before us. They both lead in good directions, but in different directions. Which job offer should I accept? Should I go back to school or keep working up through the company?

What is the right path?

This is often something we take to God with the hope that he will tell us which is right. And sometimes we don’t seem to get an answer. I propose that this is because the path is not the preeminent element of the scene.

We often think of choices like tokens on a game board–move twelve spaces on this path and you’ll end up here. This model causes us to think in terms of one choice being better than another because it gets us closer to some unknown goal.

Let’s change the analogy a bit: Pretend we are sculptors. Our life choices are the choice between which type of clay to use for our sculpture–perhaps it’s between stoneware and terra-cotta clays. Yes, they have different qualities–pros and cons–but both can be shaped into something good. Although the type of clay will effect the outcome, the type of sculptor will have a far greater effect on the result.

Now back to the topic at hand. If the Lord just gives you an easy answer, your choosing is removed and you’re a passive sculptor–a lesser sculptor. But the Lords wants to make you into an active sculptor–a greater sculptor. Thus he lets you choose, and by choosing you become empowered. By choosing, you become a better, stronger person. You become a chooser who has more significance in the scene than the choices themselves.

So what is the right path?

You choosing is the right path.

I chipped a tooth in my sleep last night. Bottom, back-left. You know how some of your molars have rising and falling ridges–like a miniature Wasatch front around the rim? One of the highest peaks is gone, which left a big hole–vacuity, the thesaurus says–and a rough edge, and my tongue keeps poking at it, almost like it’s hoping it can wear it smooth. I hope so too.

This is a striking reminder of my mortality. That part of my tooth will never be there again.

This confirms that I’m grinding. My jaw has been very sore for the last three days. I’ve got to de-stress. I probably swallowed it.

(I thought of this when I was trying to wrap my head around the term Transgression, as mentioned in the Bible.)

(I’m always making abstract concepts into images–in my head at least. Does anyone else do this? Is it helpful? To me it’s essential.)

Something weird happened at work today.

I’ve been a little worried about my inability to stay focused. The problem is that I have the whole internet just sitting right in front of me, taunting me.

I’ll be going along, and then: Oh, I gotta email L. And then after a couple of minutes, T sends me a link to a Scooby Doo redo, and I follow the link. And one distraction always leads to another. It’s terrible.

So one of these many distractions was an RSS feed that said Google was doing a conference on Chrome OS. I couldn’t resist (you know me). So I put it up on my right monitor, and kept working on my spec on the left. Turns out that I didn’t need to watch it, mostly just listen. So I’m listening, and working away. And before I knew it, two hours had gone by, and I hadn’t left my InDesign screen once. Two hours of me staying on task. It was incredible.

The video conference was enough to keep my mind from wandering to other things. But it was undemanding enough that I was able to keep designing away. Hmm.

(Of course, this wouldn’t work if I were writing–too much mental conflict. But designing is a different story.)

There was this new guy at church. I sat next to him, and struck up a conversation with him. That was way out of my comfort zone. (This was in my old ward.) I went to Salt Lake with him and a group for an event at the tabernacle, and chatted with him in the car. I was patting myself on the back for trying to befriend him.

My girlfriend invited him over for dinner. (She was the one who first invited him to church.) She told him I was coming, and he was like, “Who’s that?”

I’m sure he’ll recognize me. But the point is: I obviously wasn’t as friendly as I thought.

* * *

Last night I had dinner at MacCool’s with T. We ordered five half-price appetizers. Sometime in the conversation he mentioned his credit-card debt and his problem with overspending. When the waiter was getting the bill, I said, “Give me the three more-expensive ones.” And T was like, “Let’s just split it half way. It’s not really worth bothering over a couple bucks.”

I’m not as generous as I thought was either.

* * *

And another thing. I write on here with the whole world as my audience, and I act like I know something. But, jeez, what do I know? I’m just a punk kid.

“Hey, dude. What ya working on?”

Pause. “Just the same old.”

“Ah. Okay. What’s this ThomasNet?”

“It’s just a site where you can order manufactured items.”

“Like what?”

“Mm. Anything.”

“So what are you looking for?”

“I… just looking for some stuff.”

Like stuff that says you’re not interesting in having a conversation with me? Okay. The feeling’s mutual.

* * *

I know what he works on everyday. And he knows that. The first question was meant to get something unique about the day. And he knows that. Four questions later, I’m still trying to talk with him. And he’s still trying to avoid talking with me. Freak. I just feel frustrated because I’m making an effort to invest in a relationship. And it seems worthless.

* * *

I wrote that literally seconds after it happened, and I was fuming. Looking back I realize the character that more accurately represents me is the one being questioned. And I have some repenting to do.

• You can’t sell all your junk and move to a foreign country because you’re afraid. Of what? Of not having to go to work from 8-5 every day to a job you don’t even like? Think about what you want in your life and get getting it!
• He says that if you’re working for work’s sake, you’re one of the living dead.
• Be a rebel. Don’t do what everyone else is doing.
• It’s easier to do the impossible than the mediocre. For one, it gives you excitement and endorphins. Plus, there’s less competition. (He tells of students contacting one of three celebrities and getting them to answer three questions.)
• The biggest fish are where there are the fewest people.
• Practice selective ignorance. Don’t read or watch the news (just ask your friends about what’s going on). Don’t watch TV. Avoid meetings (force people to email you instead). Keep phone calls short.
• The main thing I learned is the importance of challenging the status quo. Don’t just accept what is acceptable. Go for what you really want.

“It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.”

I was doing an army crawl over gravel and dirt. I was crawling to meet you. The moon was full, shining through some thick clouds. I was wearing a cloak and hood. It was at Uncle Montey’s house, only there was more open space around the house and mounds of dirt and rock–as if it were still under construction. I saw a shadowy figure in the distance. He fired at me with a silenced gun. I ducked behind a mound, and heard several thuds on the opposite side.

A few minutes later, you appeared, having circled around to meet me. I looked at you twice, a little surprised: it was your 6-year-old self–pajamas and all. I looked at my hands and body to see if I was also younger, but I wasn’t. I gave you a questioning glance. You held up that old wooden sword and a cap gun–both of which have been lost since we were little. “These are why.” That’s all you said. I got the impression that finding and using those weapons had made you young again.

And then I knew that my mission was to also find my old weapons so that I could become young too.

Then I woke up. I wrote it down so that I wouldn’t forget. I also thought that it might fit into the Reign of Fire storyline somehow.